shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
