Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
