Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
