Im at strip club and am horny
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
