When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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