So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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