Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
