Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
