can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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