I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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