I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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