ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
