i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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