I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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