I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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