if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
