I'm lost and stupid without you.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
