All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
