hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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