I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
