got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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