Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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