She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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