i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
