these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
