Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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