They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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