Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
