I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
