Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
