There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
