just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
