sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
