i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
