yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
