Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
