Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
