i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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