I cannot find my penis.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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