I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
