one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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