wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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