I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
