My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
