oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
