i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
