Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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