We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
