First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
