I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
