Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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