and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize