guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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