My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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