maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
