I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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