I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
