butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize