i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
