i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
