shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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