I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
