Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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