I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
