mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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